These are two older entries from my journal I keep archived on a memory stick I carry on my key tag . I didn\’t date them but I do know they were written within the past 12 months or so ,

I choked up . All I could manage to say was “I …” and then I quickly added; “..forgot what I was going to say ” I\’m such a dork at times.

I think it has always been difficult for me to tell people I care about; how I feel. I think maybe that is why I write as much as I do . I think everything I write about has some aspect of me in it. Some people who read my writing think it is all made up and a work of fiction. Maybe some is but somewhere in each poem or piece of prose I write is something about me. Something I can’t or won’t bring myself to let them know .

Take last night for instance . I had a dream yet again ; a familiar dream of dancing in the same field of tall fragrant lavender ; slightly blowing in the warm breezes . I could hear music all around me . The sky was filled of stars ;so many shooting stars around me . The song stopped playing and I looked at my dance partner ; the same one as in all my dreams . Yet; something was different. In previous dreams ;all I could see was a face with eyes always shut and a mouth that neither smiled or frowned. Last night when I dreamed ; my partner had a face I recognized . Eyes ,dark brown . A mouth that smiled.

“what were you waiting for Joe ; I’ve always been here-all you had to do was open YOUR eyes “ ; he emphasised your “ You may have thought it was me who had my eyes shut all the time but even though yours were open you didn’t see around you what was really going on and important. Do you SEE what I am talking about Joe ?”

I woke up, rolled out of bed and had my morning coffee; forgetting the moment I woke up about the dream.
It wasn’t until I was finished in the shower and fixed up my hair ; or as some call it “nice messed up hair” I like my hair looking messy . No amount of gel is too much . I looked in the mirror to finish up the hair and remembered the dream .

I went back to the bed sitting room and wrote it down. I had no idea what it meant at first ; but eventually I did; or at least I think I do. I saw the face of my dance partner . The brown eyes I looked into were my own .

I will admit that I have never loved myself ; but lately I am liking who I am . Its not a vanity thing at all. When I look around and see other people or read stories in the news ; I am not that bad .

I am going to miss that dream of my faceless dance partner . The sweet smell of lavender.. The slight breezes blowing across the field. Maybe now is the time to go find the real one . I like me ; maybe others do to .

I will continue to write and in each piece will be a piece of me. If I write of far off places ;I have probably been there in my dreams or hope to be in reality . If I write of a friend ; I wrote about him because I deeply cared and continue too . I am in the words I write. It’s kind of like Where’s Waldo ?
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Lately; it seems, I haven’t much on my mind or any inspiration that hit me hard enough to write about. That all changed last night. Yesterday was an elevator ride of emotions for. There were times like I felt like I was on a sugar rush- almost literally bouncing off the walls and then I had the lows . It was a pretty rough night when I got home. I hung blankets on my windows blocking out any bit of light shining in . Don’t ask why . Even I don’t know until the moment I am doing it.

I sat at home trying to read a book- I couldn’t focus. I tried writing a bit . I couldn’t focus . I’ve been working on a plan of sorts for what I hope fro the next year. I won’t say what all the steps are ; to do so may be bad luck . I went on face book for a bit . I updated my status to something about my wish list for Christmas . It pretty well was that I wish I knew why my friends “D” and “S” kind of walked out of my life without giving me a reason . Within minutes of posting it I got an email from “D” ; not really saying why but he let me know he is back in school getting his GED . Good for him . I got a phone call from “S” admitting he was an ass about the whole thing and that he was coming back to Cambridge . I told him Cambridge is big enough for the both of us but I wasn’t starting where things left off. I wasn’t going through that again .

My friend M signed on to MSN and without saying a word he knew something was not quite right. “Hey Joe I can tell just by how you are typing somethings on your mind. I’ll be there in 5 minutes “

I told him not to bother and that I always get through it . Within 5 minutes he was at my door . Shoes but no socks. “Your crazy M” its cold out there .

He was at a party and excused himself . He got here at around 2 in the morning and we sat up just talking- side by side on the sofa. We stayed up until 5 30 or so and he ended up staying . He left at close to 9 this morning. Thanks M. I would do the same for you . And like you said “when a friend is needed ; they should put everything aside and be there when they are needed. “

I would do the same for you M/ Thanks now go finish off your party tonight .
_________________________________________________________This one is from today ; more on the lighter side of things .
So i thought I would jump in the shower and have my morning cofeee. I set up my coffee maker and got my mug ready . Iwent to the bathroom and shaved- man I wish i didnt have to shave every day . I ran the waater in the shower and hopped in. Within seconds I heard a tap tap tapping from the other adjoining apartment. He lives alone and is an older gentleman. TAP TAP TAP -getting louder. “JOE I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE !! I HEAR THE WATER RUNNING !! ”

I do alot of goofy things but having a conversation while I am butt naked is not ;usually one of them . I ignored him for as long as I could but the endless non stop tapping which now was banging was getting on my nerves . ” HEY ! How about I just drill a hole in the wall so you can watch me ! ” He stopped tapping and I finished up my shower.

I stepped out and dried off. I\’ve had a tense neck for the last few days so I rubbed some A535 Muscle rub on my shoulders . awwww ! My phone rang . I answered it and tqalked fro a few minutes and went back to the bathroom . IT BURNS ! IT BURNS ! Grabbing the phone I was in a rush to wash the muscle rub off my hands . I dont have to elaborate on how sensitive some areas of the body are more sensitive than others .

I put on a few clothes and went to make my coffeee. EGADS !!! no cream for my coffee. I hate my cofee black.

So here I am drinking black coffee while nether region is on fire . But at least the sun is shining .

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